Too many of those in positions of some power are self-absorbed, arrogant and interpersonally inept. When it comes to subordinates, most managers are blissfully comfortable with themselves, blindly indifferent to the needs of others, and relatively disinclined to do anything that does not provide immediate self‑benefit. Should we be surprised?

Anyone who works for a company today knows how self-interest gets rewarded, understands the pressure to self-aggrandize, and recognizes that corruption has been made interpersonally legal. It's the rare and special leader who sheds those self-imposed limitations on the way up the ladder to become someone truly worth following.

Typically, we are called in when high-flying executives have hit an abrupt interpersonal wall. Either they have suddenly—and for no apparent reason—lost the support, commitment and admiration of "their people"; or they have so alienated colleagues, customers, or staff that their careers are in immediate jeopardy.

This is not a rare occurrence. In fact, it happens all the time. Managers, by nature, rarely figure out what it takes to be a real leader without the healthy shock of imminent derailment. They are simply not hard-wired to let go of the technical skills, capabilities, and intelligence that got , them where they are today, in order to embrace a new, softer skill set that will serve themselves and others better from now on.

The work that we do is (and must be) developmentally based. Generally, we engage (often intermittently) with a client over a two-year time frame. Anything less is nothing more than assuaging upper management that something is being done. We are not interested in what might be considered palliative; what we really want to accomplish is something meaningful.

In our model, we teach managers to develop three behavioral constructs:

First, we guide managers in learning how to be irreverent. Leaders need to look at themselves from the point of view that who they are and what they are doing is worth examining, doubting, and changing.

Second, we try to invoke a sense of courage. Leaders need courage to confront the dark corners where so much of their dysfunction resides, and they need courage to become someone fundamentally different in overcoming those handicaps.

Third, we help managers develop a sense of passion. Leaders must have a sense of passion about creating a better "them" because that is the only thing that creates a better "us." Without the irreverence to question assumptions, the courage to act and grow in ways that are fundamentally awkward and risky, and the passion to really care about what happens to themselves, their people, and the world — a leader is not worth following.

We measure our success in two ways. First, is the manager now producing the interpersonal results that they intend to produce, as opposed to having those effects occur haphazardly and caustically? Second, do the people that the manager affects feel better toward them, have greater respect for them, and view them as more credible, responsible, and trustworthy? In other words, the criteria for success lie outside the manager. We evaluate the impact of the leader by the impact on the followers.

"What kind of manager am I?" "How do I affect the people around me?" "Who do I need to become to bring out the best in others?" Real leaders ask those sorts of questions of themselves all the time. They know that introspec­tion, critical self-examination, painful honesty, and a willingness to change and grow are essential leadership tools. To accomplish that sort of deep, behavioral shift, the manager's own desire to change is the critical ingredient.

I respectfully (if not irreverently) disagree. In my narcissistic opinion, what managers really need is a solid dose of panic. Anything less will fail to provide them with sufficient motivation to try something different, let alone become someone different—a person who is Responsible, Empowering, Accountable, and Loving to themselves and others.

Leadership, at any level, is fundamentally about the relationship between people. Without a relationship, there is no trust and without trust, leadership doesn't grow.