YOUR "ME-CENTERED"
UNIVERSE CREATES THE STRESS IN YOUR LIFE
We tend
to live in a zero-sum world where our gain is someone else's loss. If
we win a poker hand, others lose. It permeates our thinking. It also
need not be so. It is so only if this is the only model we are
prepared to accept.
Start
considering that a problem may be solved so that all par-ties are
better off. Think of life as a linear programming-optimization
function. And then it will start behaving in that way. You will notice
that the more you sincerely wish others well and try to help them, the
more succour you will receive from unexpected sources when you most
need it and least expect it. Go ahead and discover this for yourself.
Exercise:
The "Other-centered" Universe
For one
week, you will live in an "other-centered" universe. This is an
incredibly hard thing to do for lengthy periods, so I suggest that you
pick two one-hour time slots each day. During your selected times, you
will do all things for the sole benefit of the per-son with whom you
interact. In conversation you will not think about the brilliant reply
you will make. You will focus on what the person is saying and feeling
and think only of how you can be of service to that person. If
possible, be of service anonymously, or to strangers, thus taking "I"
and "me" out of the picture entirely. Think of how you can be of
service to people you know well, to people you barely know, to society
at large.
Use
judgment! Do not give the contents of your bank account to a
panhandler. It is not clear that this is a helpful thing to do anyway.
Be
creative! One person left gifts of candy for officemates, along with
handwritten, anonymous notes expressing appreciation for some positive
trait that person expressed. Another paid for tolls for the person
behind him and gave the toll collector a page of up-lifting quotes to
give the person. Another person would—after she had finished with
it—leave an unlimited day pass for the New York subway taped to the
turnstile, along with a note saying, "This is an unlimited-ride
MetroCard for today. It is meant for someone in need. If you think you
qualify, please take it and use it. If there is still time after you
are finished with it, please tape it to the turnstile from which you
exit, with this note." Another would tape coupons for products she
didn't need to the supermarket shelf where that product was stocked.
Each day,
deliberately and consciously, do more than one thing to make the world
a little better. The father of one of my son's friends is into the
active life. Whenever he goes hiking he takes a large plastic bag and
quietly retrieves discarded plastic bottles on the trails. Do you get
irritated when you see a shopping cart ruining a supermarket parking
spot? Get into the habit of taking one and returning it to the nest of
carts at the entrance. Do you see a clearly misplaced sweater in a
department store? Restore it to its rightful place.
The
possibilities are endless. Spread sweetness and light. These are
similar to "random acts of kindness" but, wherever possible, give
specific help to specific people who need that help. Is someone you
know having a hard time in a particular area of her life? Think of one
thing you can do to make it a little easier for her. Even a card with
a thoughtful quote in it may help.
Be
practical and empathetic. A woman wanted to help a friend whose
husband died suddenly, leaving her with small children. "What can I do
to help?" was met with polite thanks. So she thought awhile and
organized a group of friends. One went and gathered all the children's
shoes and polished them for the funeral. Three others arranged to
bring the family breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a week. Another
woman contributed several hours of baby-sitting for the youngest
child. None of this would have happened if the first friend had not
set it up.
As you do
this exercise, your attitude is important. If you help someone, do not
expect gratitude from that person. Instead, you should be grateful to
that person for providing the opportunity to be of service. Try it.
This is a very different paradigm from the one we normally use. Don't
resent people for not acknowledging how much you have helped them.
Instead, keep your focus on being grateful for having had the
opportunity to help.
Finally,
each day, make someone's day.
The
results of this practice will show up immediately. But you have
already experienced them without being conscious of it. Haven't you
ever had a random interaction with someone that left you feeling so
good, it uplifted your mood for an entire day? Perhaps it was a
salesclerk who sincerely assured you that you looked really lovely in
the dress you were trying on. And you somehow sensed that she cared
about you and was not just out to clinch the sale. Perhaps it was the
jovial guy in line next to you who cracked jokes that left you doubled
up with laughter. Perhaps it was an unexpected and thoughtful gesture
from a friend that really touched you.
This
exercise means that you will go out, each day, and deliberately make
someone's day brighter. Just the thought of having to do this will get
your creative juices flowing. For some, it will also arouse fears. The
shy will feel particularly pressured. Use this as a lever to overcome
your shyness. Or else figure out how to do it anonymously. But DO IT.
Do it at least once every day.
Eventually you will want to make this practice a part of your life,
not an exercise to be completed.
HELPFUL
HINTS
It is
very common for people to try the "Other-centered Universe" exercise
and be disappointed, even dejected, because the actions they took were
not acknowledged or appreciated. If you find your-self traveling this
road, stop immediately.
You are
doing this exercise for you—not for someone else and not to get
specific reactions from others. Focus on how you are feeling when you
are doing what you set out to do. Eventually you will find your joy in
what you do, not from the results you get. If you are appreciated and
it feels good, that’s a bonus. It is not the aim. You may feel
awkward initially. Indeed, some might feel awkward for a while. But
persist in the exercise.
