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Recognize the small but crucial moments that everyone else ignores. If you want to develop a better relationship with your partner, use small gestures, such as:

	using a pleased tone of voice when receiving a phone call from the partner, as opposed to an exasperated tone or a rushed pace that implied the partner's call was interrupting important tasks
	inquiring about dentist appointments or other details of the other person's day
	putting down the remote control, newspaper, or telephone when the other partner walked through the door
	arriving home at the promised time—or at least calling if there was a delay

According to research, these small moments turn out to be more predictive of a loving, trusting relationship than more innovative steps of romantic vacations and expensive presents. Possibly, that's because small moments provide consistent tending and nurturing.

Another application of small steps to relationships is allowing ourselves to be interested in the small details of our partner's life. Instead of expecting our mates to entertain us with dramatic gestures and stories, we can try to appreciate their everyday qualities and actions. When people tell me that they are bored in their current relationships, I suggest that they try small moments.

You may wish to do this as well. Train yourself to focus on the small, pos­itive aspects of your partner. Instead of focusing on the big flaws, or waiting for a horse-drawn carriage ride or trip to Paris, appreciate him or her for small gestures, a pleasing tone of voice, or a kind touch.

One mistake many people make during this process is to praise their partners only for their actions. "You're such a good cook," we say, or "you did a great job trim­ming the hedges." But if your partner receives compliments only for the services he provides, he may begin to feel like an employee. Instead, try to identify one moment each day which you can praise your partner's personality or appearance. Try "I love the way your hair looks in the morning." or "I love how excited you get just before a holiday or going out to dinner." Acknowledging those small moments reassures your partner that she is loved as a person, not just as a homemaker or breadwinner.

Focusing on small moments is both easy and hard to do. Most of us spend so much time dwelling on the past or anticipating the future that we miss small moments. Whenever you find yourself lost in worry or regret, try this:

1. Ask yourself: Do I need to learn to change anything based on this worry or regret of mine?

2. If the answer is yes, then take a step toward that change. If the answer is no (and often it is) scan the room for an object or person that gives you the strongest sense of pleasure. Focus your thoughts on this item for thirty seconds. This process trains your brain to live in the moment.